thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
