Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize