Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
