ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
