how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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