how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
