Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
