fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
