i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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