Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You're like the curious george of whores
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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