i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
