paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
