yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
