I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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