Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
