somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
