Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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