4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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