I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
