my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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