He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
