We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Randomize
