coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
