if i can run in heels then i can drive
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
