Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
