I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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