Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
