he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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