I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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