So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
