Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
