I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
