He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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