How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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