How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
