she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
