is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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