the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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