I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
