Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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