He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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