My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm at about main and main street
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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