there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
