I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize