I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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