you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
