nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My butt remains clenched, sir.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
