Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize