I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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