I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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