Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
