Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
