Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
