I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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