mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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