this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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