Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Bring me that man meat
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Randomize
