were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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