i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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