you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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