Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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