I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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