I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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