Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
