Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
