u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
