omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
