John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
