I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
