He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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