I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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