just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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