dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
