My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
