morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
