Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
